Tripping Balls

A long time ago I use to do lots of drugs and I would probably consider myself to be shady. I guess I thought that the drugs would alter my perspective on things. I ate shrooms, snorted cocaine, huffed ether, drank and ate a mess load of mysterious items to alter my state of mind. All of this was to get a different view. I guess I thought somehow I'd consume whatever drug it was and I'd find beauty. But it never made sense, now looking back on those times, I never fully understood what was happening to me and what was going on. i was so quick to find another reality and I couldn't even comprehend the one in my lap. As you get older, you don't really need stuff like that to pull inspiration from, cause if you're living a full life, you have an overload of inspiration to draw from. The first four years out of high school is completely insane. Everything you thought you knew, you don't and everything you hated slowly turns into a mirror. You look around and what you thought was a hell hole becomes a softly lit room, perfect for you. The ups are really downs, and the downs are really ups.

here's another thing I found, sometimes saying the most meaningful statements are really the easiest things to say. You think something is complex and overwhelming, it's really just a new old waiting to be picked. Poetic moments are usually easy and warm. It's not this cold meticuleous, stoic collection of verse and ryhme. It's a fucking gentle beast that hugs you into submission. It's something you can't fight with logic and skill. It happens and then it's gone.

It's so goddamn insane how simple and beautiful life is but everyone is just set on putting a cigarette out on it.

eleven eleven

I'm pretty certain this is the final title to lft's new album. It means a lot to me personally. It reminds me of all the nights for the past three and half years when I had nothing going for me except these songs and this band. I'd be struggling with justifying my existence, struggling with even wanting to do this, and eleven eleven rolled around and I always wished for the same thing. Anything could have happened that day and when I saw eleven eleven hit the clock I knew what I wanted.through being homeless, my mom being sent to prison, breakup's, mental breakdowns, and every woe that's stricken me over the years. I knew what I wanted when eleven eleven came. This world tried to drown me in piss, but I found a turd to keep me afloat until everything was flushed away, ha.

genre bending

I want to be more creative, I sometimes feel like I have to dumb myself down for people around me to get my writing. Maybe instead me having to dumb myself down, people should smart themselves up. Ha... that's a great argument with really bad grammar. I'm a fool when it comes to the English language, but I have billions of ideas. I want to paint the alley ways with words and metaphors. I want the reader to swim in my thoughts. I don't want to offer up kool-aid when my guests need milk. Does anyone understand? No, no one even reads. Even if they did they'd write me off as a pretentious ass.

nothing fancy

I wish I had more things about me that I could use to entertain peopl. Wouldn't that be super cool if I could do hat tricks or cartwheels? Everyone has something cool they can do, then it comes around to my turn and like charlie brown said, "I got a rock." Haha, does anyone remember life with louie? It was a cartoon series in the mid to late nineties about louie andersons childhood. When I was a kid my first step dad would always call me louie because I was a chubby, weird detached kid. I think we are all the same person were at eight. We're just adult characatures of our childhood selves. I'm the same person I was, core wise. Lots of things have changed but it's more of the situations have turned into adult situations. I'm basically the same, just the things I deal with are different.

Final Fantasy X

Christian and I have been bonding over this game for the past two weeks. Also, doing that whole yard work lumberjack deal too. It's fun to work with friends.

It's been so long since I've really hung out with friends. Everything has been an endless march onto music. It's kind of like rushing the beat, I've been spending so much energy trying to keep things going that I'm making everything discordant and rough. My life is a stuttering jumble.

I'm like a clown juggling foster kids who are in return while I'm juggling them, juggling chainsaws

defense

I think projection is the most common defense mechanism. I was just looking through a lot of older blogs and I noticed I often tear myself apart just to know how to tear someone else apart. It's funny, my best weapon is my own faults. The more you understand yourself the more you understand "your enemies", why you're creating art, and if this is all just one big bandaide for a much bigger problem. I have lots of problems but I think it's safe to say I've explored them all thoroughly and music is a small bandaide for my problems. It helps, but for me to get rid of the shit storm in my closet I'd need two hundred grand in theropy to deal. It'd be like shoveling shit at a farm with five hundred horses with a teaspoon.

writing never ends

I constantly question my intelligence, because I hear people claim it often when I don't really agree with their opinion. Am I one of those people? Are you really that intelligent when you have to claim it like a cheap tatto at every social gathering or huddle of individuals? It should be a trait that is bestowed upon you, not bought at every bonus store on every corner. Back to the question, I write to write better, but I'm not sure if my intelligence will keep my writing dull. Piss I just want to pick up a pen and have this shit flow. Like kicking a garbage can over in the street.